Recently, I saw a Facebook post imparting college wisdom for parents. It basically read that a college student who struggles and receives a C grade will do much better in life than a student who receives support and receives a B or an A even. To this person (or persons who shared it) I submit they do not have a child with a disability.
My beautiful daughter is entering her 2nd year at a state university in a few weeks. Her dad and I are so incredibly proud of the fervor she has put into her studies. The right answers do not come easy to everyone, and certainly not when you’re swimming against the current, so to speak. Sure, many students succeed in spite of their disability, but I argue it may have been done at the risk of missteps in other areas of their college experience, or with the aid of some parental help.
When my children were small, despite the fact they had learning and physical disabilities, it was just as vital that they enjoy a healthy social life and feed their souls. There just isn’t enough hours in the day to accomplish the amount of extra study time necessary to “succeed on your own” and form the lasting, healthy relationships that are so important to lead a fulfilled life.
Most universities offer a disability department with counselors who assist with educational and independent living accommodations. As it turned out, one such counselor is the daughter of a great childhood friend of mine. She was instrumental in alleviating my kiddo’s first year stress. They had a standing appointment weekly to review classes, homework, testing, health and friendships. However, this relationship was akin to a big sister or mentor, who couldn’t really hold my kid accountable for her mistakes or correct poor choices. Namely, keeping an active to-do list or calendar. While we appreciated the way I could take several steps back, there were still phone calls and visits necessary to keep the kid organized and focused.
As much as other parents would like to call me a “helicopter mom” or even “overbearing” I submit that my daughter and I have a great relationship and nobody knows her better than me. When she was entering jr. high, she and I talked about how her Autism Spectrum disorder affected her life. One area she struggled with was reading people’s emotions and signals. She turned to me as the 1 person in her life who could help her navigate these questions, someone who understood her limitations and would always tell her the truth. It’s always been that way for us … and this has transferred over into making good decisions. For example, I know that making the choice of spending an evening with friends when she has 3 essays due in 2 days without proper preparation isn’t going to go over well. It easily takes her 2x as long to pump out an essay, she likely has a full day of classes, leaving her only 4-5 hours the following evening to complete them, and my kid doesn’t operate well when you add stress to the mix. Suggesting a compromise to drive herself, limit the time to an hour or two, and get some work done that evening is a better option, and one she customarily agrees with. It’s all about balance and planning.
A friend has a college kiddo with physical limitations. She has my undying admiration in the way she and her husband don’t “solve” the problems for their child, but rather work with her to allow her to spend her energy on what matters, her education. My friend’s husband spent much time commuting to a job in order to support my friend working from home or as a substitute teacher while she managed the accommodations for their daughter. In fact, my friend temporarily rented an apartment near the college campus to assist their daughter with getting dressed and shoes on for the day. Due to surgeries, the kiddo couldn’t bend over to put shoes on … yep … how’s that for needing help? She’s a really smart cookie, and I’m sure would love to NOT have her mom hanging around campus, but until something could be worked out, there she was, each morning, to help with the shoes.
But I digress.
While I contemplate what emotional and organizational support (if any) I will be giving my kiddo during her sophomore year of college, I have much to appreciate. She will succeed with or without me because we have raised a kind human. A hard worker who has found a field she loves. Someone who studios and producers will want to work with. But first, she has to make it through college, with all its ups and downs.
So here’s to:
the high achievers
the hard workers
those who struggle despite their hard work
helicopter parents who are actually needed
the disability counselors who help parents let go a little
to universities and colleges for making room
to the friends who are friends even when the kiddo requires balance
to my little VW golfwagen “Pearl” who traveled many miles to give my kid a hug when she needed it and my cell provider for the hundreds of calls to keep my kid happy and on track
and to the parents who think they’re alone in praying for a lifetime of success for their disabled child despite criticism from others who just don’t know.
Thanks for listening. I recognize my rant was in defense (again) from those people who think they’re always right. My life and my parenting isn’t something anyone else can comment on unless they’re in my shoes or my kids are living on the streets. My girls are awesome young ladies and my husband and I are doing a bang-up job (or so I’ve been told).
As my friend Mary likes to say “You’re raising some good people, the kind that others want to be around.” Now that’s saying something …
