Holiday decorating ... my story

Getting the kids excited!

I recently shared a post on Facebook, you know the ones with the statistics that are totally made up by someone in Facebook-land, that says decorating early could make you happier. Well, who couldn’t be happier than to put up a tree with lots of twinkling lights reminding you that the holiday season is upon us! Besides, I’m already more than 1/2 done with my Christmas shopping (of course) and I just recently returned from my niece’s farm in Southern Oregon where she had me helping her decorate her new home for the holidays … so I was seriously in the mood!

Dave and I lovingly call our oldest daughter and my father-in-law “The Kids”, since both of them are permanently living with us. (When my youngest kiddo, currently away at college, is home we say “The Family” … and the dogs are “The Boys”.) We’ve been struggling a bit with “happy” at our house due to the lack of daylight hours and just general winter blahs. The minute I put up the tree, my father-in-law’s attitude changed and he told the very next person who called “Merry Christmas!” You may or may not know that he has Alzheimer’s dementia - so in fact this may be the last Christmas he really remembers. If this is the case, why not really make it something worth remembering? Make this season longer and full of Hallmark movies, outings to look at decorated lanes, Christmas concerts, snow in the mountains - but for now we’ll start with a little holiday cheer at home.

There are lots of reasons not to look forward to the holidays - difficulty with family, expectations, loneliness, shopping, cat knocking all the stuff off your tree - whatever your anguish might be. For me, my dad passed right before Thanksgiving and my mom died on my birthday, 4 days before Christmas. My family doesn’t gather, for one reason or another, and so for the most part, with the exception of fabulous friends who sent lovely invites to our little family and a few family members, we are on our own. But, we really did Christmas last year and we intend to do the same this year!! So I say BRING ON THE DECORATIONS! I’m tired of feeling sad and I owe it to my kiddos to make Christmas as magical as possible. Someday we’ll have grandchildren and I don’t wanna blow that by being a Scrooge.

So … to quote my father-in-law … Merry Christmas! (Deal with it!)

“I planned out our whole day. First we’ll make snow angels for a two hours, then we’ll go ice skating, then we’ll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookiedough as fast as we can, and then we’ll snuggle.”

— Buddy the Elf

New Life Phase ... Parents

“There is no perfect way to take care of an elderly parent except with the most love and patience you are able to muster on that particular day.”

— AgingCare.com

It is now Day 4 of “Papa Comes Home”. A new chapter in our story wherein the only remaining parent comes to live in our home, following 4 months “abroad” with his other two children. Much thought and considering other options was exhausted before coming to this conclusion, but here we are.

My father-in-law is a gentle man. When he and my mother-in-law were in their prime, they could count hundreds of friends across the globe. They were simple people, raising their family and working hard until my mother-in-law fell ill and Papa retired to care for her. She passed 5 years ago.

As the only child left in Washington, my husband has dedicated his free time to caring for his dad. While in the beginning we were dealing with the shock of the passing of his wife, later it became apparent that both were struggling with medical conditions. His happened to be dementia. She covered quite well for him and he did the best he could to care for her. As it turns out, she took such good care of him, that it is difficult to live up to those standards on his own.

A recent confused visit to some doctors resulted in recommendations for him to stop driving, not because he can’t remember how, or because he can’t see, but because having access to a vehicle and getting lost and confused is a greater concern, especially when he’s bringing our oldest disabled daughter along for a ride. Since he refuses to cook, his only avenue for nutrition is the “burger place” up the street once a day. Now, he has lived in the same community for all of his 78 years, so getting lost was less of a concern in the beginning. It was considerably easier for him and for us to make sure he gets the care he deserves in our home, essentially removing his need for transportation.

So upon his arrival at the airport, my husband brought him home. We moved his bedroom furniture into our spare bedroom, installed a closet organizer, brought over some clothing and items that would make him feel at home. We loaded up on Costco and Safeway to be able to feed him. Purchased 2nd and 3rd sets of bedding and a small safe to lock up his valuables (since he was getting in the habit of hiding them). We were all set for his return and have spent the last 4 days trying to make him comfortable and hoping he wouldn’t start making a fuss about going home.

Last night he asked my husband why he didn’t have a car and getting a little miffed at the doctors for his restrictions. He called his daughter to ask why his furniture was in our house. For good or for bad, he doesn’t seem to be confrontational with who he’s with, just uses his secret channels to voice his displeasure.

For those of you who don’t know, I lost my dad to cancer when he was 63 and I was 17 in 1989. My mom died nearly 25 years later suddenly from a heart attack. We lost my husband’s mom 6 months later to a long illness. We’ve had our fair share of parent heartbreak and our goal now is to be as sensitive as we can to his growing needs. My husband promised his parents years ago that we would care for them, and that we would delay any care facilities for as long as we could. We have a plan in place and limits we have agreed to seeing as how we have our own children to take care of as well.

I don’t wish my blog to become a story about my father-in-law and his private struggles, but rather a place of comfort where I can express my own concerns and shed a little light on how our family is showering love on the last of his generation in our family.

For now, I pray it won’t take long for him to decide to be happy in our home and we will continue to adjust and readjust again to make it work.

- Gabby

(P.S. If you have time, an impromptu dinner invite would be nice. A caregiver needs a bit of a break every once in a while.)

An update to Papa

In the beginning, Papa didn't quite understand what Alzheimer's was. I compiled some easy information for him to digest and gave him the contact information for the Alzheimer's Association. He was angry for awhile (as much as that happy-go-lucky man can be angry) but only that he's eventually going to die.

He and I have talked quite a bit about his diagnosis and I've been able to get him to realize that we ALL die. It's the circle of life. But what you choose to do with your life is what makes it great. Unfortunately, since becoming a widower, he doesn't do much but sit in his chair, go through the mail piece by piece, and hang out with us.

We've always lovingly called him "Homer" after Homer Simpson and thus his quick transition through these phases reminds me of the cartoon's skit often seen on TV.

Other than his diagnosis, he's doing great! In fact, the complications we'd been having him monitoring his own medications are now gone! He's doing great - but he just needed some time (and a bit of a threat of buying a locked distribution machine at his cost) to get used to the new plan.

But, in way of an update, he's good.

It is what it is.

Today was our follow up with his PCP. I was prepared with questions related to the next steps following the Alzheimer's diagnosis. What I've been finding again and again is "it is what it is." No miracle cures. No miracle drugs. No surgeries. No therapies. 

What there is plenty of is "live your fullest life" "spend time with family" "get your affairs in order". It's difficult to keep him positive - but we had a great talk today about life and death. Everyone dies, it's inevitable, but the question is always what's going to take us. It can be slow, like the 3 years it took my dad's body to give out following the onslaught of cancer treatments in the late 80's. Or it could be quick like my mom's sudden and fatal heart attack 4 years ago. The most important thing now is to live the best life you can. Enjoy is for as long as he can. Enjoy his independence while he still has it - travel if that's what he wants to do.

I'm thankful his 3 children are so close to him and to each other. It may not be geographically convenient, but they are helpful given the distance. They've agreed to do what they can to help us on Ground Zero. 

A bit of a tip for anyone who tries to give him any information with details, please have him write it down and give him specifics, dates, times, etc. He's great with notes, so please assume he won't remember the details 30 seconds later. 

For now, we'll take joy in little things, like a walk at the mall, getting him undershirts for sale at $4/piece and the new Lavender Chai iced drink he bought for me today. 

Hello ... it's me!

Rocking the Spoiled Wife Life

My first blog post finds me on a Monday at noon with a cup  of cold green tea that's taken me all morning to drink, listening to my favorite country radio station on Alexa, showered (whew) and using my daughter's laptop computer to test my blogging abilities! 

I'm headed to Papa's house to check in on him, his bills, his pills, laundry and make sure he's eating something other than cereal and ice cream. Groceries and then quickly back home to greet my oldest daughter exiting the Access bus she rides to her college program. Somewhere in there I promised my husband to start gathering the items needed for taxes. Whew ... spoiled wife life indeed. I'm actually not sure how I accomplished all of these things when I was working 8 hours a day. 

Thank goodness for grown kids, one of which can drive, and a gracious and loving husband. 

Off I go to enjoy another beautiful Pacific Northwest day.

Gabs