“There is no perfect way to take care of an elderly parent except with the most love and patience you are able to muster on that particular day.”
It is now Day 4 of “Papa Comes Home”. A new chapter in our story wherein the only remaining parent comes to live in our home, following 4 months “abroad” with his other two children. Much thought and considering other options was exhausted before coming to this conclusion, but here we are.
My father-in-law is a gentle man. When he and my mother-in-law were in their prime, they could count hundreds of friends across the globe. They were simple people, raising their family and working hard until my mother-in-law fell ill and Papa retired to care for her. She passed 5 years ago.
As the only child left in Washington, my husband has dedicated his free time to caring for his dad. While in the beginning we were dealing with the shock of the passing of his wife, later it became apparent that both were struggling with medical conditions. His happened to be dementia. She covered quite well for him and he did the best he could to care for her. As it turns out, she took such good care of him, that it is difficult to live up to those standards on his own.
A recent confused visit to some doctors resulted in recommendations for him to stop driving, not because he can’t remember how, or because he can’t see, but because having access to a vehicle and getting lost and confused is a greater concern, especially when he’s bringing our oldest disabled daughter along for a ride. Since he refuses to cook, his only avenue for nutrition is the “burger place” up the street once a day. Now, he has lived in the same community for all of his 78 years, so getting lost was less of a concern in the beginning. It was considerably easier for him and for us to make sure he gets the care he deserves in our home, essentially removing his need for transportation.
So upon his arrival at the airport, my husband brought him home. We moved his bedroom furniture into our spare bedroom, installed a closet organizer, brought over some clothing and items that would make him feel at home. We loaded up on Costco and Safeway to be able to feed him. Purchased 2nd and 3rd sets of bedding and a small safe to lock up his valuables (since he was getting in the habit of hiding them). We were all set for his return and have spent the last 4 days trying to make him comfortable and hoping he wouldn’t start making a fuss about going home.
Last night he asked my husband why he didn’t have a car and getting a little miffed at the doctors for his restrictions. He called his daughter to ask why his furniture was in our house. For good or for bad, he doesn’t seem to be confrontational with who he’s with, just uses his secret channels to voice his displeasure.
For those of you who don’t know, I lost my dad to cancer when he was 63 and I was 17 in 1989. My mom died nearly 25 years later suddenly from a heart attack. We lost my husband’s mom 6 months later to a long illness. We’ve had our fair share of parent heartbreak and our goal now is to be as sensitive as we can to his growing needs. My husband promised his parents years ago that we would care for them, and that we would delay any care facilities for as long as we could. We have a plan in place and limits we have agreed to seeing as how we have our own children to take care of as well.
I don’t wish my blog to become a story about my father-in-law and his private struggles, but rather a place of comfort where I can express my own concerns and shed a little light on how our family is showering love on the last of his generation in our family.
For now, I pray it won’t take long for him to decide to be happy in our home and we will continue to adjust and readjust again to make it work.
- Gabby
(P.S. If you have time, an impromptu dinner invite would be nice. A caregiver needs a bit of a break every once in a while.)