My deepest apologies for the somewhat negative light on this recent post. It’s not in my nature to dwell on negative feelings, but sometimes there is a lesson to be learned for others.

I have always taught my children to “be the bigger person” and “avoid drama” in most situations. Even for adults this concept is difficult, but I have found happiness in trying my best to move on and live positively.

And for the few people who actually read my Blog, this isn’t about anyone who is currently in my family, friend group, work associates, etc. Any situation mentioned in this Blog is a person who has been out of my life for more than 30 years … no need to worry. And the impetus of this Blog has little to do with them, but more a lesson of the type of people to watch out for moving forward, and why it’s so difficult to “be the bigger person”.

I’m never going to deny my naivety, honestly, it’s what makes me “me”. I can happily go through life with my rose colored glasses, just like my mom always did. But people like me also tend to fall prey to narcissistic types, many times leading to embarrassingly years of chasing these people’s manipulating blame games.

I had a childhood friend for years. She was beautiful and popular and could fill the world with incredible “1-woman drama”. I fell for it hook-line-sinker. (And here comes the most embarrassing part …) I was her ugly sidekick. Seriously, I have no idea how I trapped myself into that category, so let’s just skip to the end.

My husband and I reconnected. I was having dinner at his parents house when a call came for me at his house (we all knew each other … for context). She ordered me to leave dinner and go directly to her house - apparently for an emergency. With apologies, I went straight to her home, as her faithful sidekick.

“He’s only using you to get to me, he’s in love with me.”

“Um, what?”

Now, in our entire history of friendship, this would have been believed; however, I happened to know that my husband, and his entire friend group, despised my friend and had often questioned the friendship I had with her. They having grown up with her as well. I had every reason to believe that she was lying to me about my then boyfriend’s indiscretion.

To make a much longer story short, we stopped being friends that day.

It was within the next few months that I began to realize the extend of my naivety. I started to count (on 2 hands and possibly toes) the amount of times I had fallen for this! Good lord … the shame was unbearable. Oh she’d let me have boyfriends from time to time (2), but only because they also could be manipulated and/or I was spending so much time with them that I wasn’t competition for her. Which is why it took me so long to uncover the truth.

Now I’ve moved on, only to have my life play out in the movie “Something Borrowed” with Ginnifer Goodwin and Kate Hudson (2011). Only my husband was NEVER hers, I didn’t steal anyone, and DID end up with the best guy. I’ve used the movie as a “lesson” for my daughters on how to carefully select friends.

Now, I love my life and I can’t help but think that all of this happened for a reason. My husband and I reconnected at the exact right moment. His influence and strong sense of self has been an inspirational light to me. Our marriage, and our children, has been my life-force and I am a better person because of their influence. But I always come back to this story when faced with narcissistic people. I am quick to watch for my natural tendency to accept blame and fall victim to their charms. Giving myself needed space. A lesson now for my offspring.

My girls often rely on me for life advice, and for the most part, they accept it. Having to tell them to take a step back from unhealthy friendships is difficult for both of us. Having to say yet again, perhaps this isn’t a healthy relationship for you. Maybe keep them at a distance for now. Focus on your new friendships. None of it is easy. But to have myself and a kiddo fall victim to a duplicate situation is something I didn’t see coming.

Here comes the lesson: “Let them go. Everything you learned from your mom tells you not to react. Be the bigger person. Let the drama go.

As a mom, I would be really interested to know if I failed these lessons. Am I triggered by my own history of naivety in asking her to take the road less traveled? What would she gain from confrontation? My guess, more manipulation.

Some friends can be kept at a careful distance, but there is that rare time when you’ve fallen victim for so long that it’s an abusive relationship.

My own abusive friendship falls into this category, so I put into place a self-imposed no contact order. I have not seen her since. Unfortunately, now it’s time for another. Never in my dreams would I have thought a similar scenario would occur, only remove guys and insert friends.

I write this Blog because maybe having it out in the universe will help avoid the need for confrontation, and manipulation. I have become hardened to these situations, but my mini-me is not. This hurts. But this realization happened at almost the exact point in life as mine, and I can’t deny I’m looking forward to watching her move on.

Bringing with her a few true friends, she has solidified a variety of very special people who love her joy and excitement for life. Making friends has never been her issue - but in true Sagittarius nature she desires to bring her friends together because she is certain they will all love each other! This is not always a good trait for the Sags. At some point we determine how to manage this natural instinct and learn from life’s lessons.

I want to be clear that these people are not inherently bad people. They have many, many good qualities. Our sensitive Sag natures are just not equipped to count them as friends. We easily fall victim to their manipulation, becoming the fall-guy for their insecurities and narcissism.

I have always hoped my person found her own happiness and I can only hope the same for the next generations. (More so for the latter because my old friend has not found joy in her life, never having learned any similar lessons in life, she is, I’ve heard, single, childless, without career and without many good friends. Attempting still to drum up past drama to keep herself relevant.)

In some small way, I hope this helps those people who find themselves in either of these situations - of the manipulator or the manipulated.

I’ll still ask her to “be the bigger person”.

Thanks for listening and apologies for the drama.

Gabby